Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize