just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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