On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
