He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
