Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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