i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
