Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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