im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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