I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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