His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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