Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
