I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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