I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
