When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
