Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
