I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
