so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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