you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
