Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
