whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
