I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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