i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize