It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
