The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
