I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
