The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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