I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
