my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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