Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
