god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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