shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
