we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
