While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
