PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
