Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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