Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
