nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
is that a dick in a sweater?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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