True but thats because hes a fetus.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
