My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
