Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
