my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
