So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
