If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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