we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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