Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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