Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
