Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
