Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
