I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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