my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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