Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm like, not good at living.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
