fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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