Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
