when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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