I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
