If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
