It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
