my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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