i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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